Finding the middle ground

Over the past few weeks, you can hardly walk past any coffeeshop or MacDonald’s, deli or steakhouse without hearing rigorous and even heated comments about… you’ve guessed it, the 2011 Singapore General Elections.

To think there was a time the government were so concerned Singaporeans were politically apathetic.

I think despite our uncommon grounds and beliefs and political affiliations, the one good thing that has come out of this entire episode (no matter who wins how many seats), is that Singaporeans are standing up to be heard. Or rather, standing up to make their voice heard. Regardless of whether or not anyone is hearing.

Friends who know me would know which side of the fence I lean. And I do not feel the need to keep on justifying my choice to the whole Facebook or Twitter world. And I don’t appreciate being virtually roll-eyed at, for my apparent “lack” of logical reasoning why I shouldn’t bat for the “other” team.

There are so many opinions. Theories. Rationalizations. Accusations. Heated arguments. Even within close friends, there is an obvious divide. And I am all for communication and convincing arguments. But somewhere along the line, right beside the tweets and blog entries, I think there must be a common ground. And in a few hours, once the GE results are released, things should hopefully go back to normal, and the battle-lines can be withdrawn and we can continue building this nation.

I even read an anonymous blogger (oooh, we all know how reliable those are) who claimed that there was a hidden agenda in wanting to blemish the name of one of the candidates. Well, I also remember a little over a year back, there was also one incdent, where the truths and lies were all half-smudged and mixed and rehashed till no one really could tell which was real and which was the fabrication of someone’s over-active paranoia and imagination. (If you know which specific case I am referring to, all well and good. Else, there’s actually quite a lot of media fodder that kinda fits this description, eh? Haha!)

So much to blog, but like I said, let’s focus more on the middle ground. :)

And, on a lighter note, here’s my handsome prince in his “party colours”!

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Introduction to Charities (Part 2)

This is a continuation to my earlier post on Charities. And if you haven’t read it yet, it would be a good starting point.

Firstly, thanks for your many kind words of encouragement over that last blog entry! Haha! Some asked me how long I took to craft the article out. Erm, I think it took me a little more than an hour. Most of the information, I already knew and was pretty familiar with, so it was just to pen it down in as coherent a way as I knew how to.

My tirade started when I read a particular blog that claimed that since City Harvest Church only gives $2.9 million to local and community work, it cannot be called a charity. Oh. My. Goodness. If you think so too, please read this. :)

Hey, I respect the blogger, and he is sure talented and writes very well, but this is a fallacy. But of course, I cannot just blame this one blogger. There are after all, many well-meaning but not-too-well-informed people like him. So rather than just fuming, I decided to blog.

Here’re some more of my thoughts on this topics. Do note that most of what I share is applicable to the Singapore context. I do not claim to have perfect knowledge on this topic, but this is as factual as I can muster. :)

Is a charity a society or a company or something else?

There are many terms bandied around, and I don’t blame the general public for feeling a bit confused with these terms.

“Charity” is, simply put, a status that is conferred to an organization (be it a society or a company), and it is conferred based on the purposes that it is set up for. The types of acceptable charitable objects has been discussed in detail in my earlier post, and also readily available online.

However, there are various entities that an organization can opt to be set up as - a company, a society, a partnership or even a sole proprietorship.

Sole proprietors enjoy the simplest and least complex business structures. And on the opposite end of the spectrum lies the companies. In the context of religious organizations, some choose to be set up as a company limited by guarantee, and some as societies.

So whether the organization is set up as a society or a company limited by guarantee, it is a matter of the initial set-up process. Thereafter, it is governed by the respective government department (ACRA for companies, Registry of Societies for societies). However, in essence, no matter the kind of set-up, each organization will still have their governing instruments. For societies, this would be the Constitution. For companies, it would be the Memorandum & the Articles of Association. The format of these two governing instruments may differ in presentation, the Charities Unit requires that they should minimally contain certain information such as charity objectives, management duties and terms, quorum for conducting an AGM etc. Both a society and company would also need approval from both ACRA/ROS as well as the Charities Unit for any changes to their governing instrument.

Spending of the charity

I have read about certain charities accused of spending “too much” and how the money “should be used to help the poor”.

Well……

Analogy-time…

Would you ask the Badminton Association to get cheaper rackets or save on their rentals so that they can donate more to another charity? If there are $2 rackets in the market, what is the rationale for spending so much on $200 ones? Mind you, it is asking one charity to save for the sole purpose of donating to another charity. This isn’t called financial prudency, it is plain silly.

Or should they go for a cheaper quality of paper for its office use, in a bid to not just go green but also to manage costs?

I hope you see the difference. One is that society’s core business (advancing the sport of badminton, improving the quality of badminton players in the nation), and which it will not and should not scrimp on. The other is merely an expense which can and should be looked into to be reduced.

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Introduction to Charities 101

I am really not a scholar. I have left my books back at university years ago. Nic is the smart one, with the near-perfect scores in his thesis and other written assignments and his super-logical analysis of the situation. Me? Not nearly so. 

But one area of, how shall we call it, public education that is quite lacking in Singapore is the area of charities. What are charities? What is the difference between a charity and an IPC (institute of public character)? Should charities be tax-exempt? I have read many articles on this matter with each giving his or her own well-thought-through but yet still erroneous analysis.

I tried to explain this in my usual rambling roundabout way before. I see now it is a bit TOO rambling. So let me try to break it down for you. :)

What is a charity?

First, you must understand that charity is a noun, but there are several meanings to it. Dictionary.com defines this word as:

1) generous actions or donations to aid the poor, ill, or helpless, 

2) something given to a person or persons in need, 

3) a charitable act or work, 

4) a charitable fund, foundation, or institution, 

5) benevolent feeling, esp. toward those in need or in disfavor, 

6) leniency in judging others; forbearance, 

7) Christian love; agape.

So first off, there is a distinction. Charity is not just doing good works, it also means a charitable organization. And therein lies the difference. 

What is a charitable organization?

According to the wiki, a charitable organization is a type of non-profit organization (NPO). The term is relatively general and can technically refer to a public charity (also called "charitable foundation," "public foundation" or simply "foundation") or a private foundation. It differs from other types of NPOs in that its focus is centered around goals of a general philanthropic nature (e.g. charitable, educational, religious, or other activities serving the public interest or common good).

The Charities Unit in Singapore also specifies the kinds of specific charitable objects, and they are in line with those listed above.

So should a religious organization (such as a church, a temple or a mosque) be considered a charitable organization? The answer is an OBVIOUS YES! And all around the world, this is the commonly and generally accepted norm and practice. Such religious organizations, being set up for the purpose of religion, would naturally be expected to spend most of its income on the religion, be it rental of halls for its worship services, winning the lost or other such expenses. 

I have seen some people shake their heads and wag that proverbial finger at the fact that City Harvest Church spends “only” S$2.9 million in their last financial year on local and community charity work, not realizing that #1, this is probably more spending that a lot of MNCs, #2, as a religious charity, they have no obligation to spend anything on other charities. Of course, most large religious charities have an outlet to bless the community outside the four walls of their church or temple, but why the tsk-tsking over S$2.9 million? Sure, some say this is a small figure compared to the church income of more than $40 million over the same financial period. But please. Give me a break. If I earn say $40,000 a year, and I give $2,900 to charity, that to me is a pretty significant sum (about 7% of income)! Would you scoff at me? Would you ask me why only $2,900? Would you tell me to cut back on my shopping or eating out to give more? If you did, I would probably ask you to take a long hike. Hahaha! 

Please don’t make the mistake of looking at how much a charitable organization GIVES to judge whether or not it should be a charity. Charitable status is dependent upon the purpose of that organization. A sports association is also considered a charity. Take any sports association in Singapore (the Netball Association, the Badminton Association) – most are charitable organizations, and if you check their accounts, I am pretty sure that the majority of their expenses are for the purposes of the sport. Not to donate to any other charity. Not to give to the poor. But does that make them non-charities? OF COURSE NOT. The fact that they spend their income on the purposes for which they are set up proves that they are charities.

Should a religious charity be tax-exempt?

This is a much-maligned whipping horse. Let me help to set the record straight.

A charity is tax-exempt. That means it need not pay taxes on the donations received.

A charity is not an IPC (institute of public character). A charity is an organization set up for a charitable object (as mentioned above, religion being one acceptable such object).

According to the Charities Portal, “For an institution/fund to be an IPC, its activities must be beneficial to the community in Singapore as a whole, and not confined to sectional interests or group of persons based on race, creed, belief or religion, unless otherwise approved by the Minister.”

So most religious organizations can not be an IPC, for the simple fact that its activities are mainly confined to its members and congregations, and therefore does not meet the above requirement.

But see, that is okay. A charity need not be an IPC. It does not impact the charity much. The ones impacted are the donors. Donations to IPCs are tax-deductible, donations to charities are not.

So if a charity is tax-exempt, there is no reason to exclude religious charities from this. Why is there a need to do so anyway? The advancement of religion is an accepted charitable object.

How should charities spend their money?

Or in other words… are commercial ventures by charities allowed?

This is a pretty sticky area. Just my two cents. If the commercial venture is in line with the charity’s vision and purpose, and the profits earned are channelled back to the charity for its use… what is the issue here?

A key word bandied around of late is the term “social enterprises.” More and more, people are recognizing that while the purpose of that organization remains for the public good, it uses and applies market-based strategies and business models for self-funding. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, if anything, it is a wise use of the organization’s finances, because a continual income stream assures of longevity in their business of doing good.

Ok, end of my long verbal outburst. I hope this has helped you to understand the matter of charities a bit more! ;)

Oh, and borrowing a line from a well-versed friend of mine…

“Opinions expressed here are my own and do not reflect the views of any organisation I may represent inadvertently.”

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That’s why he’s my pastor…

I’ve recently been thinking about the phrase “Courage under fire.”

So much has been said about the entire City Harvest investigation, and late last night, Pastor Kong put up his new blog post entitled rather aptly, “Reflections.”

In it, Pastor wrote: “My relationship with God is and always has been at the centre of my life. During times of adversity, I have always taken comfort in one thing that I know to be true: I have honestly served God and shepherded His people to the best of my abilities. It matters most to me that my account to God is absolute and I can say without hesitation that I have done my best to glorify His name and build His church. Loving God is my deepest passion and it is my greatest privilege to serve Him with all I have.”

I am proud to be a member of this great church, and proud to have such a man as my pastor. He is someone who didn’t just preach an inspiring message. He is someone that has lived an inspiring life. His deep love for God is so evident, it inspires us all to love God more and serve Him more. I remember the last session that Pastor preached during the Asia Conference, he said something like “maybe I don’t say it enough, but as your pastor, I really love all of you.” I think this is probably best said flipped.We don’t say it enough. As members of this church, we really love Pastor Kong. For his leadership. His guidance. His love for God.

Maybe it is the way we run our services, with bright lights and loud music and the contemporary way we dress, that gives a lot of people the impression that as a church we aren’t very “deep.” Sure, there aren’t any organs or harps in our church services. We dress sharply, each to our best ability (and budget). The term “Sunday best” was first coined to refer to dressing up for church, remember? So sometimes our spiritual depth as a church may be overlooked or even misunderstood.

When Pastor Phil came last weekend to encourage the church, he said that whenever there is a shaking (or a trial), whatever can be shaken away will be shaken but that which remains will be strengthened. Personally, while this may be an emotionally trying period (it sure doesn’t feel good to see so much slurs against your pastor), but yet it is also a time for us to seek after the Lord all the more.

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A “Despite Of” Love

Love is something that is at once the easiest thing in the world to do.

And at the same time the hardest.

From the time of the “I Do” at the wedding aisle, a man and a woman commits to each other. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. It is a “despite of” kind of love and commitment.

Despite of my own feelings, whether I feel like it or not, love means sticking to my commitment.

Despite of the circumstances, love means continually believing and continually praying.

Love never fails.

Even when you don’t know what to do or how to react, but as the decision is made to love… things will fall into place.

So much has been written about the CHC saga. And I know many questions are raised. Half of which we will not know the answers to. While this may perplex many, answers aren’t needed in my commitment to my church. I don’t need to know everything now. I don’t need to have all the answers now. I don’t need to have the explanations now. I don’t need to figure it all out now. I don’t need to point fingers now. I don’t.

Some time back, I went through quite an emotional period. Not knowing why the matter happened. Not understanding why it had to happen to me. Even now, thinking about it literally takes my breath away in sadness.

So you see, when things don’t go well in your loved one’s life, you don’t need to know or understand everything all at once. You just need to love. Be around. Be supportive. Show your solidarity. Be the friend you should be.

In this time of my church’s life, I want to do that too. Stand. Pray. Believe. And most importantly, LOVE.

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Chosen.

Pastor Kong preached a phenomenal Mother’s Day message last weekend. Short, to the point, and yet so poignant.

One point that stuck with me… that as much as we don’t choose our parents, they didn’t choose US either. Nope, a relationship between a parent and a child is never one of personal choice. We are chosen. Chosen by God, to be the best parent for our child. In His wisdom, He knew we would do a great job with our kid. Being the best parent to our kid.

Gosh, but there are times I sure feel inadequate as a parent. I recently read a post by a newfound friend, mommy blogger Daphne. It was reading something I could have written myself!

As a mommy, especially for the firstborn, it’s sometimes all about nerves, tears and pure perspiration. Worry seems to be a constant axe hanging over our heads, from the time we welcome the little one in our lives.

“Is baby poo meant to be this colour?”

“Do I really need to touch that?”

“Is baby sleeping/eating/resting enough? Am I stimulating his young brain enough?”

“Is he too hot? Too cold?”

And that’s just in their first year. Then it’s childcare and school, the whole shebang!

Motherhood brings out the best neurotic in each of us.

Like how the grass is greener on the other side, I see some mothers who handle three kids and a job effortlessly. While I struggle keeping my head afloat most of the time. And so, I got to give myself a pat on the back on occasion, sneak a peek at other Daddys and Mommys around who fumble, stumble and laugh through their lives… and I keep on keeping on. :)

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That Old Adage…

“It takes one to know one” is so true of motherhood.

I am blessed to have many good colleagues working with me, and many of whom are mothers and great role-models for me.

Motherhood is kind of like a secret sorority club. For the grown-up gals. When I was in my teens, I took pride in speaking a “secret" language”. Most Singapore convent girls might recognize the “F Language”? I know, it does sound a bit vulgar, doesn’t it? Haha! But it is simply a coded way of speaking. Easier than it sounds, really. You simply put an “f”-syllable after each syllable. Like “You-foo un-fun-der-fur-stand-fan?” Haha… The F Language isn’t meant to be written. Well, I spoke it exceptionally well. I still can speak it, though my tongue’s not as nimble as it used to be. Haha!

Well… motherhood has a secret language too. That only mothers are privy to. Words like “lactation”, “cabbage”,  “latch” and “engorge” have never meant so much to me in the past! Haha! If you happen to lunch with a party that consists of more than 1 mother, there is a high chance that the two moms would gravitate towards each other and the conversation would be steered towards, you guessed it, their children! And the words we speak… I tell you, it is sometimes like we’re from a different planet. Some say men are from mars, women are from venus. Well, I think the mothers migrate to a brand new planet, cos the way we behave and the way we think is so vastly different from that of another woman. Haha!

Holidays used to mean places where I could have the most fun or the best shopping experience. Now, I have to think of how “child-friendly” each country is.

Shopping-time used to mean more clothes, bags or shoes (or all three!) for me. Now it just means time spent getting more diapers or clothes or groceries for Jay.

I have more friends who have just stepped into this brave new strange world, and others who are about to step in… A warm welcome! It can get a bit strange, a bit overwhelming, a bit lost at times… but like I said, it takes one to know one! There’s another mother who has been through what you’re going or will be going through and who can lend a ear, hand, cot, pram… whatever! ;)

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Two Years & 3 Months Later…

It has been two years, three months and a week since I was officially inducted into the Mummies Club. Some were inducted with a ready heart and a quick smile, others like me were kinda unwittingly sucked entered in.

Just today I visited a friend who was just inducted into this prestigious club, and as she was regaling us with her story about how her baby girl came into the world, and as I stared into the sweet, sweet baby girl’s face, I got reminded of that day when I first saw my prince too.

It is a memory that will probably never fade.

Our first meeting.

Sure, he may not have known me face to face, but he sure was an audience to my chattering and humming and singing and the sound of my laughter.

So really, if you think about it, at that first meeting, he probably knew me more than I knew him.

I always put up this photo, cos I just love it. How serene he looks.

But really, this was our first glimpse of our prince, wails and all.

What a journey it has been.

And how he has grown.

Motherhood has taught me a lot of things.

Some lessons were learnt the hard way. Many tears were shed. Relationships tested and strengthened. Smiles in abundance.

Thank you, God, for this enormous privilege, putting Nic & I in charge of this little fella! May God give us grace, strength and wisdom for the years ahead as well.

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Disappointments

Sometimes life gets you down. We talk about disappointments, and it is oft said that a mark of maturity is in your ability to handle disappointments.

Certainly, if you google for quotes on disappointments, it does say so…

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.” (Robert Kiyosaki – motivational speaker & author of Rich Dad Poor Dad)

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” (Martin Luther King Jr)

“Man must be disappointed with the lesser things of life before he can comprehend the full value of the greater.” (Edward G Bulwer-Lytton)

Of late, I was thinking on this subject, and I think there are two sides to this coin.

Most speak of when people, things or situations disappoint us, and certainly, our reactions to these disappointments and our ability to rise above difficult situations, and to forget and forgive, do show our maturity as a person.

 
(Photo credit: Flickr)

But when we ourselves are the ones to disappoint? When our actions or lack thereof cause our friends, family or colleagues to be let down?

A mark of maturity is also in how we handle being disappointing.

As a cell group leader for so many years, I’ve seen how my members handle being a disappointment. Some run away, and choose to avoid the person they have disappointed, be it man or God Himself. They choose to forget the problem and issue by running away from situations that remind them of it. I’ve seen others who may not physically absent themselves, but yet they choose to absolve themselves of blame by pointing the finger at another person. Yet others choose the “high road”. They suck it up. Accepting blame, accepting responsibility, and facing the ones they have disappointed with great humility and contrition.

It’s easy to imagine how you might react when you are faced with a situation where you have disappointed. Not so easy when you’re going through it. To any of my dear readers who might be going through the “fire”, I pray you will quickly find resolution from within, and from  without.

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My Transformed Life

I use the term “pre-Jayvonian days” a fair bit in my blog.

Contrasting my life then, and my life now.

Sure, there are major changes. And major adjustments that had to be made. But really, Jay is now 26 months. And those “pre-Jayvonian days” are but a distant memory.

Watching midnight movies? Being able to make it for last-minute appointments at the drop of a hat? Working late late late hours in the office? Sleeping through the night (ok, this ain’t so bad now)? Waking when I want to wake (this is the killer now…)?

What IS that like? Haha! I have forgotten. Now, Nic & I would “exchange notes” on the plans that we have, and the arrangements for Jay for the week. It’s like it is now centred upon… “Ok, ok… so you have this on. Hmm… What about Jay? Who’s going to look after him?” And now with him being in Little Big the entire day, our time with him becomes all the more limited, and therefore that much more precious.

It’s like… my life has been totally and irreparably changed.

Oh, for the better, definitely.

His cheeky face and ability to say the funniest things brings a smile to my face, no matter the kind of day I had. I am a naturally “I” (sanguine) person, and things seldom get me down for too long. But he certainly helps to ease the difficulties.

I think I’ve mentioned this probably ad nauseum throughout this blog, and if you’re a single or married with no kids yet, you probably may baulk at me saying such things. But I think all parents will concur. That our kids are probably the best gift God can give us. (I mean, after our spouses, of course… without them, ya know, the kids can’t come around! Haha…)

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CHC’s New Building… continued

So much has been said, and so much speculated about our impending move to Suntec Singapore.

Sometimes I wonder… would there be as much commotion, if say we announced that we had bought a stake in Singapore Expo instead? I mean, the model’s the same – ownership & license, such that our rental expenses would be defrayed by the dividends and profits we earned. Both are commercial venues which continue to be well-utilized by other conventions and events and meetings.

Maybe it is because I am accounts trained that I find great financial sense in this move? But then again, Nic who is non-accounts trained, can see the logic behind this move the same way I do.

It is a long-term, self-sustaining model. As tenants, we are not subject to the fluctuating building management costs the way an owner would be. And as stakeholders, we are also not committing to be involved in the daily operations, and yet still enjoying the returns on our investment.

We are in this for the long haul.

Paying rental for the next 30, 40 years. Not an amount to be scoffed at. As opposed to finding a solution to stem this expense. Of course, the “traditional” way would be to buy a plot of land and build, but come on, to build a 10-12,000 seater hall? Another mega church in town embarked on a 5,000 seater project, which would cost them $500 million.

Or should we settle for a smaller hall?

Sure. If you are willing to walk a few weekends in our shoes, and in that of our volunteers. At our Jurong West premise, before we moved out we were running 6 English services. SIX. Starting from Friday evenings to Sunday late afternoons. And this is excluding the Children, Chinese, Dialect, JAMs services as well. I am not involved in the running of the services, but as I manage the reception counter, I can tell you… it was a pain. When we had bigger-scale events, services ran up to 9 a weekend! We literally camped at the church! It was super-crazy! Our poor volunteers, who had school or work in the weekdays spent hours and days simply running services all weekend.

So a smaller hall just will not do. Some ask about multiple halls. But this would also burst our constructions costs and manpower, to run and maintain numerous church buildings.

But to me, I think the main bone of contention is the fact that the church signed a Non-Disclosure Agreement, and the fact the entire project would cost us an estimated $310million.

What’s a Non-Disclosure Agreement? Something that is common in the commercial world. Be it for tenders or deals that might prove to be sticky once the details are divulged. Why did we sign the NDA? I think this question should be better posed to Suntec – why did they want us to sign this agreement? Haha! I’ve seen some pretty lame requests on forums, asking that the church rescind on its NDA, or that “certain” details be leaked out, or asking if “so-and-so” and “such-and-such” is covered by the NDA.

Which makes me wonder… Have they read an NDA before? And looked through its clauses? A standard NDA would usually state that confidential information (which should not and cannot be disclosed) is ALL and ANY information with regards to the deal at hand, that the party would not have known if not for the fact it is privy to this deal. It is not a matter of stating what is confidential. It is a catch-all clause. So to me, to ask for details like “How much is CHC’s stake in Suntec?” and “How much rental is CHC paying?” is pretty straightforward. It simply falls under the NDA. But of course this gave rise to conspiracy-theorists.

Nonetheless, I am uber-proud of the church, and of
Pastor Kong and the rest of the pastors. No, not that they are infallible. But that even in their mistakes or weaknesses, they are strong men of God, and never one to shy from their convictions, and people who fear God and not just men’s opinions…

So looking forward to Suntec in March 2011! :) It is a dream we collectively had as a church for the past 5 years… It wasn’t come into abruptly or “unbeknownst” to the members… This is what we’ve been praying for all this time!!!

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Who’s Afraid Of Mandarin?

Me.

Growing up in what was a predominantly English-speaking family gave me many advantages. I enjoyed reading and writing and always scored highly for my English and Eng. Literature classes all the way.

However, it also meant that I struggled with Chinese all the way from Primary to even now as a working adult. The complexity of the Chinese Language. The vocabulary. The strokes of each word. The nuances. The depth. The syntax. The accent. Oh, the headache!

I managed to scrape through all my examinations in part due to MandoPop. I grew to love MandoPop singers, and soon forced myself to memorise the lyrics to their songs. Even to now, I can still remember how to sing these songs! Haha!

Do you remember this “Speak Mandarin Campaign” TV ad? When I first saw it, I was first blown away by these kids… and then I felt like I wanted to go find this hole for my head. *sigh*

From the time I was very young, I could always recall these 华人华语, or Speak Mandarin Campaigns. Do you recall any of these posters?

  

Yeap, some are from ancient-of-days, but it is kinda nostalgic to see these!

And while I am thankfully out of the education system and therefore Chinese no longer has a hold on me or my future school life, it has dawned upon me.

It will soon be Jay’s turn. Oh. My. Goodness.

My innocent little prince. No idea what he is getting into. Hahaha!

Recently, my good friend Ed & his wife Jiahui invited me to attend a Bloggers’ Forum organized by Julia Gabriel Centre of Learning.

Along with a few other parent-bloggers, we met Fiona Walker, Principal Director and Huang Ying, Head of Mandarin in Julia Gabriel. And one of the topics we chatted on, while munching on some yummy finger sandwiches and sipping some coffee… was on the subject of our kids and Chinese.

“How can we prepare them for Chinese when they get to Primary School?”

“What should we do to instil an interest in Chinese in them?”

“Is there a preset number of hours a day to teach them Chinese?”

“Chinese words/phrases? Or speak in full sentences?”

We learnt many things and *fingers crossed* we’ll be disciplined enough to carry it through! Haha!

Check back and read more about our Chinese Language journey this week!

The bloggers with Fiona & Huang Ying from Julia Gabriel.

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Simplicity of Heart

Came across some awesome quotes recently, and thought of sharing them…

“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity” (Charles Mingus)

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.” (E. F. Schumacker)

“Never again will I make the simple into the complex. Something of true value does not become more valuable because it becomes complicated. Experience and conditions come and go; complications arise and fall away, but the simple action of God is eternal in the universe.” (Donald Curtis)

~~~

I think simplicity has been much-maligned. Simple isn’t stupid. Simple isn’t to-be-taken-advantage-of. Simple isn’t about education (or the lack thereof).In our very complicated world, we need to keep our simplicity. Simplicity of thoughts. Simplicity of words. Simplicity of hearts. Simplicity of motives. :)

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UNDERRATED LOYALTY

I had a long conversation with some friends on quite some time ago. Just chatting under the night sky, with a cup of tea in hand. I am not sure what brought it on, but I started talking about loyalty.

Loyalty’s underrated.

That is the gist of my short and sudden tirade.

That this concept of “Loyalty” seems to be replaced by other lesser concepts, like “Self” or so-called “Healthy Skepticism” (which can be a whole new blog post of mine, man!) or “Transparency”… To me, loving someone and being loyal to that one goes hand in hand. How can you say you love someone without maintaining loyalty?

Napoleon Hill once declared: “Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failures in every walk of life.”

Proverbs 3:3 (NLT) says: “Never let loyalty and kindness get away from you! Wear them like a necklace; write them deep within your heart. “

What loyalty am I speaking of?

Loyalty to your spouse, to your family… to love and protect them.

Loyalty to your employers and your employees… to not slander or talk bad about them behind their backs or do things that are to their detriment.

Loyalty to your church… God placed you there for a reason and a purpose. Under that leader, and under that pastor. Be loyal. Love the man of God. Love the Church. Don’t backstab or say silly, frivolous things under the banner of “asking questions”. How old are you? 10? Ask the right questions to the right people in the right environment. I am not advocating blind following. I am advocating HONOR.

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This Little Prayer Of Mine

I received a pleasant surprise in the mail the other day…

A personally autographed copy of the book, “The Little Prayer of Mine” by Anthony DeStefano.

What a cool surprise!

I usually try to read to Jay before he sleeps each night, and just last night, he was in a pretty clingy mood, after a long day in school and probably missing his mommy a great deal.

So I whipped out this book, and he was at once enthralled with the gorgeous illustrations, and beautiful prose. It’s probably the first time I’ve read any sort of poetry to him!

See the teddy bear? Jay quickly lost his heart to that little Bear-Bear too!

All in all, it was a great bedtime book for us both! It reminds me – simple faith pleases God!

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RANDOM PARENTING QUESTIONS

I’m no parenting guru… haha! But I guess it is always good for us to hear and learn from another person. Here’re some questions I’ve been asked by friends, cell members and colleagues.

What is your own personal parenting style?

Nic & I believe in a parenting style that is both warm and authoritarian. Warm – spending lots of quality time with Jay, lots of words of affirmation, hugs and kisses. Almost every day, after work and after dinner, I make the effort to spend some time with Jay alone, bringing him to run wild read books at Borders or enjoy a cup of yoghurt together. Authoritarian – spanking and disciplining him when he gets out of hand.

We constantly act as moderators to his emotions, and when it seems like he is working up a temper or a tantrum, we quickly step in so that he will not lose his temper, and can learn to control it better. This is Nic’s pet phrase nowadays – moderate.

My child is xx months old now. Should/Can I start disciplining him/her now?

One word: Yeah.

The first harsh tone Nic took with Jay… was when Jay was only 2 months old. No, it wasn’t a scolding, but a serious and deep “Don’t do that” to this little baby. The first smack Jay received (albeit he hardly felt it with those diapers cushioning his buttocks) was when he was 5 months old.

How to discipline kids?

Much has been written on this topic.

Well, personally, one thing I learnt very quickly as a parent is to not get overly emotional when disciplining Jay. Trying to out-shout your child doesn’t work well. Trying to out-scream him is a bad idea too. Having too heavy a hand when disciplining is also a no-no. Over-harsh scolding or being personal in your words are also not useful and in fact, detrimental to the child’s self-esteem.

Praise in public. Discipline in private.

Many of my good friends use “Mr. Spoon” as a tool of punishment.

Nic feels a smack on Jay’s butt with his palm works as fine.

I wanted to get a “Mr. Spoon” too, initially. But cos I have a lot of other people living in the same household, I am not keen on the idea of another person brandishing that wooden spoon to get a reaction from Jay, apart from Nic and I, and so I decided not to. Haha!

And the flipside of discipline?

Asian culture is such that it is big on humility, but sometimes takes this to the extreme. It is typical to find parents (especially from the older generations) rubbishing their kids’ accomplishments in the misguided efforts to “spur” them on to greater heights and not rest on their laurels. While there is nothing wrong in doing such a thing, the truth is kids can grow up with a pretty inferior outlook on life, after being constantly told that they are never good “enough”.

So, be extravagant in your praise of your child. Be over the top with it! When he or she is a great kid, be sure to tell them. If the only response they get from you is when they are misbehaving, you can be sure that is what they will do when they try to seek your attention.

What is secure attachment?

This was a word and a concept I first learnt from Nic, and the more I read up on it and the more I see it “lived out” real-life, not just in Jay but in the other people around as well, the more I am a convert and a believer. Haha!

You can read it greater detail here.

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Hiding Behind Your Keyboard

(Picture courtesy of Flickr)

In the world we live in today, it can get a little scary to see the things that people will write on online forums or even on Youtube.

For example, on a certain popular online forum in Singapore, its Terms of Use includes this:

“All members are advised not to use any form of obscenities and vulgarities in your posts/threads and/or PMs. This includes the use of language as well as images… Don't attack others. Personal attacks on others will not be tolerated. Challenge others' points of view and opinions, but do so respectfully and thoughtfully… without insult and personal attack…”

Yet the site is one where vulgarities and coarse language fly unbridled. Away from the keyboard, would the same person still be as mean-spirited and vulgar and coarse in person? I suppose to a certain extent, but hiding behind that keyboard sure gives him the boost to behave five times worse.

It blows my mind.

If a friend shares that he is getting depressed and having negative thoughts, would you tell him to go kill himself and make a quick ending of it?

If a friend celebrates a victory, would you be a cold blanket and insinuate that “something” must be up?

Sure, you can argue that on the vast Web, there are no such things as ‘friends’… but surely there are still communities and basic human respect?

Please… Don’t dance under the “freedom of speech” banner and conveniently hide behind that. With the freedom of speech comes the responsibility of that speech. Hiding behind that keyboard makes people write things that they ordinarily would not. Surely there must come a point where anonymity cannot merely used as a cover!

I think Spiderman summarised it best with this…

With great power comes great responsibility!

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Taken Right Out Of My Mouth (and heart!)

I just read in a good friend’s blog:

“Hmm, am not sure about you, but for me, I can't be bothered after a while if someone becomes indifferent. I try for a certain time ... but after a while, if you don't budge or if you keep waiting for me to move first, you can sort of forget about it, cause I won't really be bothered any more since you don't put in equal effort. I will initiate in small or big ways for a time. But not forever. I'm not God, you've ever realised?
It takes two to make a friendship or relationship work :)”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Haha!

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Scary Mommy?!

I saw the cutest blog competition on THE Scary Mommy site, and turns out she is a-looking for another scary mommy. Loads of scary mommies put up their blog posts and it totally cracked me up!

See some of their posts here. I promise you, it is a great read! Haha! I know, that camera’s that is up for grabs is not for me, but hey, it is good fun still!

Well, here’s my contribution argument reason conclusion as to why I should be inducted as a Scary Mommy.

See Jay’s totally traumatised look? Told ya I’m scary!

I have more makeup than one make up pouch can contain. And my makeup pouch is huge. Kangaroo pouch-huge, I tell you. And in my pre-Jayvonian days, you’d be hardpressed to catch me in specs or baggy comfy home clothes or sans-makeup! Now? I happily trot through nearby shopping malls without my warpaint make up on. And if you dare make mention of it? Grrr….

I have more clothes than my wardrobe can contain. And my boy has more clothes than… well, my hubby! But this doesn’t stop me from shopping for Jay online. In fact, it doesn’t stop me from shopping. At all. Even right now, I can’t wait till Old Navy/Gap offers their summer-y clothes! Hahaha! More sleeveless tops and cool shorts for my boy!

I am anal for all things organic. When it comes to Jay. I personally don’t really care too much for it for my own consumption or use. But as I trudge through the aisles of the supermarkets (and I do so at least twice a week!), the word ‘organic’ draws me like bees to honey. Despite the fact it costs SO much more to buy organic stuff.

In my pre-Jayvonian days, I used to be a movie maniac! I loved watching movies, and would probably catch at least one show a week – and this show would usually be a late-night one. Since the advent of my prince, this has stopped to a drizzle. Late-night movies? I know of ‘die-hard’ friends who never fail to invite me… Thanks… but I will pass.

And the reason? Cos Jay was only very recently weaned off breastfeeding! Yeap… my confession time. I breastfed Jay till only about a month back. That makes it 19 months. 19 months. I think I should have a plaque or something. Or maybe an LV bag. Haha! Well, while I understand the benefits of breastfed babies… a confession: It was more inertia on my part rather than any strong unwavering conviction about breastfeeding!

And to think when I decided to set myself free wean Jay, my mother tried her usual ‘psycho’ techniques by shaking her head and sighing, “The poor baby…” and nope! She wasn’t referring to ME. I incredulously turned to her, and couldn’t stop laughing.

Of course there are many times where I feel quite the juggler. Working full-time meant that I had to hire a domestic helper to help care for Jay. It is a chicken-and-egg matter, where I have no choice but to leave Jay in the care of my helper (but thank God she is a good one!), yet I also want to be there for him and care and discipline him.

But though motherhood has demanded a lot out of me… it has also brought out the most in me. Who knew sleep was so overrated? Who would have thought a common topic behind my hubby and I would be Jay’s bowel movements? Who would have thought I’d be a Scary Mommy? I’d always figured myself to be a Cool Mom. Maybe Awesome Mom?

But looking at this little fella… I’ll happily settle for plain ol’ Mommy!

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Inspired by IF

I recently got reminded of a poem I used to adore as a young girl. The last few weeks, I have been quite saddened by the actions and words (or more accurately, the lack of the abovementioned two) of someone whom I loved and treated as a friend. ‘How easily people forget…’ was a common refrain on my lips and in the shake of my head. But then again… that’s what they do. Forget. I guess cos we’re negative people by nature, and so the good is easily forgotten when the bad is so vivid in memory.

And so I suddenly remembered this poem and this specific part stood out:

If by Rudyard Kipling (an extract…)

“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same …”

Trivia time… did you know that the last line above is written on the wall of the Wimbledom stadium, just as the players enter?

Life is the sum of your attitudes and actions. And if you allow other people’s attitudes and actions to determine how you would live your life, then you’d have a very sad life indeed.

And while I found myself over-mulling about the actions and attitudes of the people around me, I got reminded that hey… people may like you or people may dislike you, but like all other turns in life, let’s always remember to guard our hearts! In other words, I need to get a move-on! Haha!

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